Judge My Life: The fanciest gym in Africa!

I can't afford to go the new Alice Lane Virgin Active gym in Sandton, Johannesburg.

But my best friend Stan can. Luckily we look alike. Kinda. I guess:

The thing about going somewhere posh where you're actually not welcome, is to just pretend like you know your way around. Don't act like you own the place - rather be friendly to the staff who work there (they can obviously not afford to be there either as a customer - so you're actually birds of a feather. And birds of a feather tend to help eachother out of sticky situations that might arise...)

When the lovely receptionist (she probably earns per month what it costs to just be a member at this gym) swipes your access card and your best friend's face pops up on her screen, be sure to divert her attention at that exact moment by saying politely: "You know what, don't give me 2 of those lovely fluffy white towels. One is quite enough." Then you wink. And you're IN.

Now to get familiar with the labyrinths of delight inside this place. It's a minefield of potential mistakes for an imposter like me - Machines you've never seen before, anti-gravity yoga studios, rooftop open-air workout sections, steam rooms (men only) and aqua lounges (unisex). Oh my word, what if I mix up those last 2 and end up starkers in front of that famous female CEO of Standard Bank!?

So I do what any person who actually belongs there does: I make an important business call (or just a call to my brother about a special offer on frozen chicken at a local supermarket, but hey, no-one will know). This way you get to "hover around", you can "spend time" in a random spot, "pace up and down", whatever it takes for you to inconspicuously inspect your surrounds. By the time you know that 3 kilos of the cheap chicken now costs us much as 2 kilos used to, you'll not only know where the men's locker room is, but also how others operate the fancy touch-screen lockers, where to pee and where to take your clothes off.

Step by step you check out how the real people do things. Your mobile phone really is your best friend here. You could "receive an important email" right before you have to start stacking weights onto something that looks like maybe a time machine crossed with a surfboard. Or an important client could "need an answer right now on text" while you try to figure out where the lift to the rooftop is.

Guys, what a lovely experience. I was actually thinking at one point - maybe it really is worth the money - you just want to stay and work out more, sit longer in the olympic sized jacuzzi, sweat out a wider variety of toxins in the sauna and moisturise more bodyparts with the Chardonnay flavoured lotion in the shower.

How do you feel about your sweaty, overrun, run-down gym now?

Me on the roof at sunset: